The baffled king
Pushing through the heavy, green metal doors, then down 17 steps, to a landing, a 90* right turn, and then down a very long and very steep grade of steps to reach the train platform. It was the kind of dirty; where the 5-second rule was not in effect...ever. He was trying to catch the Q train. His usual choice of operation was to tuck himself into an impenetrable capsule of self-consciousness. As he surveyed the platform for the most unobtrusive location, he heard someone, a man singing and playing guitar. His voice sounded like a life lived and the velvety feeling of tears. He was amped and mic’d up.
This was his spot. It lingered beside a tunnel made of concrete, metal tracks, steel beams, and a tubular void 24’ wide and 18’ high, then 30 feet below the river bed; producing acoustics of surprising resonance. Was it just the abrasion of indifference and the fragile, flickering moments of truth? MTA train’s top speed is capped at 50mph while averaging just 17mph.
As the train’s pulsing rush of sound and air shook the man; awoke him to the shadows that cloaked his failures. He wasn’t a felon and chances were good, by the time he left this planet, there would be no serious infractions. But his successes - really his fear and vanity had him refreshing the list, to tick off his lifetime of minor and empty achievements. His question was always the same, had he done enough? Was there value in the life he led and the lives he made?
The old man’s thoughts often turned back to the vivid memories - vignettes of the past and of his youth. He recalled how a world revealed itself to him and how he met it with swagger and ignorance; but after 2 serious bouts with the big “C”, he felt frail and humble in the face of finality. He wished to lift the burden of mortality.
By now he had lost friends and family, to age, sickness, and what his old college roommate called “lifestyle choices”. His memories of them always turned back to his youth. No judgments or emotional tonalities, just the disorienting flutter of remembering.
Again, he heard the words, melody, and the truth the singer spoke. The song was sung and the train arrived.
Performance by: Ishmael Levi “Hallelujah” 2017